Thoughts In my head- Burden

Crazy as hell, is hell really crazy? Is the thought of eternal burning a scary Idea of course it is you silly bitch, this stuff is meant to make you shiver, be afraid and even cry. But do I really want to be afraid isn’t Christianity meant to bring me freedom. Is it though? The idea of a relationship with a higher being I can’t see, yet I feel him sometimes, maybe, I dunno.  

Is it crazy to doubt something you’ve known your whole life, but what was it I knew? Church always seemed like the place to get free stuff like free sweets for the kids and for me to show off my new outfit. I like to sing to so here’s a place to show off my voice. Here is a community on a platter topped up with the promise of Heaven- place where all is good and right. A mystical Utopia.

Yet here on earth whilst I’m breathing I cannot help but look at ways people have used the words written in the sacred book to go on ethnic cleanses, justify hatred and give us an excuse. Sometimes I don’t necessarily agree with certain things but I have to because there is something in me that believes the burning might be real and prevention is better than cure. Yet, I constantly feel burdened under the Umbrella of religion. Do, I even call it that. The modern pastors call it a relationship. I see it as a relationship with tons of protocol and rules and constant interaction with God. I am not agnostic but I still don’t know and I’m not sure if okay with that.

To be very honest this is where I am right now but that may change and I think events in my life have made me reason differently. When everything seems to be downtrodden I get this out of pocket miracle but then I take ten steps back. That does affect my outlook on things but I am still willing to have hope and I don't trust myself enough so... yeah.