Allow Yourself To Feel

Sometimes I need to be sad in order to feel great again. I always cover everything up with a smile and I have heard phrases like " It is okay, just smile and it will get better". 

Do these people forget that I cant just switch emotions and that no matter what is on my outside my insides are still eating me up. I became a person who pushed away hurt. I cannot deny how I feel because I am truly ruining myself. 

I found my antidote, I needed to feel all the things that have hurt me in order to deal with them. How could I possibly truly be happy when I don't even know how I feel about something. I am disconnected with my emotions. At times they come flooding in and it becomes unbearable, I think of possible solutions to get me out of it and I clear up my face and 'move on'.

 I like to put on a show for people, I want people to remember who I am and I always want to the centre stage. That has become toxic for me, I always want to make an unnecessary joke and I needed the validation of their laughter to convince myself that I was alright. Who am I kidding? Locking the door on all the sad thoughts in my mind has made my emotion room full and at times the wrong ones escape and I really cant help it.

I start to get angry over stupid things or, I just become silent but it has dawned on me that I have not felt these emotions and they need to be expressed in some kind of way. By not allowing myself to feel, my emotions are playing for my attentio. Whoever gets the goal pops up and hurts my relationship with people.

I have decided to let myself feel the things that have been bothering me and it has been very hard because all the things I am going through but it is truly healing me.

My emotions are currently like open wounds that hurt again with every little scratch. 

I cry when the tears come now, I get angry when I am truly angry and I think my brain is starting to get better at managing my emotions. The best advantage of allowing myself to feel is that the good emotions are not a facade to cover up my negativity they are real. I can experience true happiness without being scared.

I hope whoever reads this understands me and hopefully gains something.

Also just a quick note, people should stop trivialising the words 'depression' and 'anxiety' as these are real  medical problems and whoever feels this way should not be afraid to get help.

Thanks guys.